Egg-Citing News….I’m Back!!!!

Okay, maybe that isn’t very “eggciting” but I thought the egg reference was appropriate because I feel like an egg right now.

First and foremost, my shell is definitely cracked. This last little medical blip makes me feel like humpty dumpty. It is truly like I fell off a wall. My doctors are in the process of putting me back together but it doesn’t seem to be working.   Think about when you crack an egg. Even with all the duct tape in the world, you aren’t going to find all the pieces and put it back together.

I am sure it is as frustrating for them as it is for me. I’m being patient but it is causing me to feel eggs-hausted.

I also feel a bit scrambled right now which is one of the reasons I’ve held off putting up a post. I’m not sure if it is the medicine or just being sick but my brain is just beat up right now. It is like every time a thought comes in my head, someone comes with a big whisk and stirs it up.

My mind has had some really great thoughts but then I get distracted and it drips off my tongue slowly like an egg white trying to be separated from the shell.

I must also add that I am a bit fried right now. My frustration with Crohn’s disease and all the side dishes that accompany it is at an all time high. With every flare or complication, I get a barrage of folks who don’t get it. I get suggestions of diet changes, doctor recommendations and helpful hints. I am asked if I am stressed out or if it is something I ate.

Personal questions are directed at me at a time when I just want people to say, “I’m sorry you don’t feel well” and that is it.

Graciously, I say thank you to everyone but inside I am screaming. I am tired of being the only egg left in the carton.

To explain it further, I was 7 when I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. My parents did an awesome job of explaining everything to me but I was so little that there was still so much I didn’t understand. I realized recently that over the years, I have felt this disease is all my fault.   I put so much guilt and responsibility on myself for the times I’ve been sick even if rationally I know it has been out of my control.

I clearly remember promising my parents that I would clean my room if they just wouldn’t make me go to the hospital. I would take my medicine and do the horrific tests they asked me to do but no matter what I tried it wouldn’t get better. It was emotionally crushing but I would try to be a good girl and keep a smile on my face.

As an adult, when someone starts putting it on me that there is something I am NOT doing to better my life, it makes me feel seven years old again.   The guilt comes back and I just wish I had the power to make it better. I go back to thinking of promises I can make and changes to my lifestyle but the disease stays active and I have remorse that I can’t fix it on my own. Trust me, if I could do anything to stop my disease, I would call in all of the kings horses and all of the kings men.

With all that said, I’m sorry if this post has a bit of a sulfur aroma. I truly appreciate the love and support I have received in the past weeks.  I am not feeling as rotten as previous weeks and I’m ready to crack open a new carton. I am hoping that these new shells are stronger and that this is the last time I am broken.